Dear Dallas...

An open letter of confession and apology from former Cowboys linebacker Thomas 'Hollywood' Henderson

Thomas Henderson
The Dallas Morning News
Sunday, January 5, 1997

This is a letter I have wanted to write to you for over 13 years.  The truth shall make me free.  Abraham Lincoln once said "When I do good, I feel good.  When I do bad, I feel bad.  That is my religion."  That is not my religion, but it is exactly how I feel.  I did good and bad as a Cowboy and a Dallas citizen.

Here goes:

A little more than 13 years ago, I was hopelessly addicted to crack cocaine and the lifestyle.  I had arrived in Dallas eight years before as a 21-year-old, wide-eyed big mouth rookie from Langston University as the Cowboys' No. 1 draft choice.  There was a problem.  I did not know how to live.

I had a covert life in the fast lane of stardom, cocaine, and sex. I made a name for myself early with a 97-yard reverse for a touchdown.  I ran right in front of our bench and coach Tom Landry that day.  I impressed him.  I was getting an equal reputation on the cocaine and sex scenes in Dallas.  I became addicted to the fast lane -- and did not refrain from it.

Looking back now, I realize I was always on my way to prison.  Before Coach Landry fired me the Monday before Thanksgiving 1979, John Wooten of the Cowboys told me the team knew of my cocaine use and underworld friends.  As I walked to my car, I had this overwhelming feeling of powerlessness.

I knew there was nothing I could possibly do about my cocaine use.  I was addicted, I couldn't live without it.  My friends and associates were none of their business.  I loved these characters.

Paranoia became real

Without giving all the ugly details of the volumes, times, places and behaviors having to do with cocaine, lets just say I went paranoiac nuts smoking crack.  At many points along the way, I wanted to quit but didn't know how.  I was a crack addict before crack addiction hit the national scene.  It got weird, to say the least.  An out-of-body experience would best describe the insanity I witnessed.  It is me physically doing these paranoiac gymnastics, and the inner me was a spectator.  The paranoia became real, and I could not tell if something was real or imaginary.  That got scary.

While all this was going on, I was still trying to be a football player, husband, father and celebrity.  At some point, I intuitively knew something real bad was going to happen.  I just hoped I wasn't there when it did.

After escaping an arrest for possession of more than an ounce of cocaine and a series of mishaps, I moved to Long Beach, Calif., to pursue an acting career.  My starring role as a crack addict would not allow me to audition for other parts. On November 2, 1983, I was arrested and charged with one count of sexual assault and two counts of false imprisonment.  I had been smoking crack with two young women in my apartment.  I received a sexual favor from one for letting them smoke crack with me.  Sex for crack.  That is the way is was.

With that said, I admit I was wrong.  The other woman had been in a car accident and was recovering in a wheelchair from a back injury.  She smoked crack with us as well, but I never had sex with her nor was I ever accused or charged with having sex with her.  It never happened.

I am sure that when you read or heard about this incident in your paper, on television or on the radio, you probably thought I had.  This has haunted me for thirteen years.  What happened was wrong, let me make no mistake about it -- I just wanted to clarify this fact.

When I read the papers and all the coverage, I surely thought you thought I had sexually assaulted someone in a wheelchair.  It did not happen.

I was above the law

I was 30 when this went down.  In my arrogant cocaine mind, I did not think I had done anything wrong.  That could be defined as a moral deficiency.  I damn sure had that.  I was above the law in my ex-Cowboy mind.

When a celebrity is accused of a crime or immoral act, it is reported by the press, and thus, people presume guilt.  In essence, by the time a lie or allegation gets halfway around the world, the truth is just getting up to catch up.  The recent Michael Irvin situation is a case in point.

After that night in Long Beach, I was arrested and charged.  When someone is arrested and accused, the district attorney, police and lawyers are usually the only one stating the case . . . and then there is the truth.

The accused, under orders from the attorney, normally never publicly defends himself.  Well, I am going to change that.  The truth is better than anything I can come up with.

After I was arrested, I was interviewed by a detective and confidentially told him exactly what happened in my apartment that night, just to clear the deal up so I could go home.  He informed me that the truth, as I told it, was a felony.  At 30, even while smoking crack, I still was the responsible adult that night.

Over the years I never have defended, rationalized or spoken publicly about that night until now.  Why now?  For closure and my own esteem, I had to share this with you.

Going through my life with people thinking I had assaulted someone in a wheelchair was painful.  I had to tell you the truth, or I would suffer in my own conscience.  Whether you choose to believe me is none of my business.

It is still shameful

It has taken all of the 13 years to find the courage to confess, apologize and set the record straight.  It is still shameful and painful to discuss.  That night does not define me.

There is no window to go to get my reputation back.  Hell, I wouldn't want my old reputation back anyway.  In my life I have done some things I regret.  This case was one of them. This tragedy that shamed me, my children, family, friends, fans and Dallas, Texas, devastated me.  I had to explain this to my teenage daughter.  I wanted to commit suicide on many, many occasions.

What you thought of me haunted me.  What I think of me is the deal now.

Luckily, I found the answer to my troubles . . . stay sober and see what happens.  This simple decision has saved and changed my life.  Since I have been clean and sober, I have made better moral and social choices for myself.  While in prison in California, I felt rescued rather than punished.  I needed that time to really change.

Thomas Henderson is not the same guy he was 13 years ago or 20 years ago.  I am self-confident, emotional and dedicated to the cause and lifestyle of sober living.  I have never been a humble man.  False humility is a con.  I never have tried to come off like that.  Never will.

Family, friends and acquaintances who know me today will tell you Willie Nelson described me, in part, in the song Mammas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys.  The verse says: Them that don't know him won't like him, and them that do sometimes won't know how to take him.

I can live with that.  I was a proud man long before I had troubles.  By osmosis, I inherited some of the values and principles of Tom Landry.  I respect that man today.  In a weird way, all the troubles have been worth it.  How else would I be who I am today if I had not been who I was?

I apologize

A simple faith and a sober-living decision has given me the opportunity to build a new life based on the principles of sobriety, honesty and hard work.  I am not perfect, and that is not the point.  I still have plenty of fun and I live an open life.  I have confessed my wrongs, stayed the course and helped others as part of my walk to freedom.

I read a writing that described success as winning the appreciation of honest critics and enduring the betrayal of false friends.  I have done some of that.  Got some to go.  A sin or mistake should not define a man his whole life.  Just like all the great games I played as a Cowboy does not make me a great guy.  Many former Cowboys who made mistakes would set the record straight if given the chance.  None of us are all bad.  Forgiveness and understanding comes with confession.

Dallas, I have hung around sober long enough to get my act together.  I apologize to Dallas, the Cowboys, fans of football, fans of Thomas Henderson and the kids then and now for what I did 13 years ago.  I take full responsibility and have paid the dues.

I know some of you felt bad for me.  Others were rightfully angry and disgusted.  I was disgusted, too.  The amends I offer are to go on in my life and never shame you or my family again.  That is the road I will trudge to a happy destiny, hopefully.  Forgive me even if you do not love me anymore.

We all make mistakes

I close with this: We all make mistakes.  Admitting my mistakes to you was a must for my sanity, recovery and future.  To anyone suffering from alcoholism or drug addiction, I say this: If Thomas Henderson can get sober and stay sober, anyone can.  If you have made serious mistakes in your life, you can change the outcome over time.  If you work for change, you will get the results you want.

This chapter of amends to Dallas is now closed.  God, thank you for letting me laugh and smile again . . . but please, God, don't ever let me forget that I cried.